See What Sticks: Negotiation, Amy Poehler Style

DISCLAIMER: This month's post, on Amy Poehler's Yes Please is geared more toward women than my other, generally more equal-opportunity posts. However, just as Amy warns in the book, that does not reduce its value for any males reading! Stay with me, you may enjoy this too. There are moments in our lives, personally and professionally, where you may be asked to do something you don't want to do, don't believe in, or may not get to perform to your full potential because you haven't been set up for success. How do you respond in those moments? If you're anything like me, you might brush it off quietly, smiling on the outside but silently seething on the inside. However, Amy Poehler unexpectedly inspired me to push back against that feeling in one of my favorite chapters of her new book, Yes Please.

In the chapter "I'm So Proud of You," she recounts a performance where a missed cue compromised the quality of her performance. She tried to stand up for the integrity of what she had written and rehearsed, but was brushed off and haggled with by a producer on the show. What inspired me about the story she went on to recount was not the powerful and brave way that she stood up to the pushy person who compromised her work, but the turmoil she obviously felt while in the encounter...and how she pushed past it to stand up for her needs anyway. So while I fully endorse reading Yes Please in full, I'll attempt to encapsulate my new methodology for negotiation, as informed by Amy Meredith Poehler of Burlington, MA.

1. Name your concern or problem.
2. Allow yourself to feel the accompanying feelings.
3. Acknowledge it's not your problem.
4. Sit quietly.
5. Trust your "no."

Name your concern or problem.

When someone is being rude, abusing their power, or not respecting you, just call them out in a really obvious way.

And don't just do this in the "fully articulated to myself, now read my mind and feel my anger!" way that is so easy for us to all do. Do this in a manner that an opposing party can understand- and operationalize. It's extremely hard to respond to the complaint, "________ sucks!" But naming your concern, and naming it to the person who is responsible, is one of the only ways that a feasible solution can be reached.

Allow yourself to feel the accompanying feelings.

Emotions are like passing storms, and you have to remind yourself that it won't rain forever. You just have to sit down and watch it pour outside and then peek your head out when it looks dry.

This can be hard to do in a society that equates feelings with weakness. But to extend, and perhaps counter, the passing rainstorm metaphor, consider instead a sneeze. Sneezes move at roughly 25 miles per hour. Holding in a sneeze is what suppressing emotions can feel like. If you try to silence it or keep it in, you could hurt your chest or ears, or ultimately have it explode with more fanfare than originally intended. Either way, you end up creating more of a disruption than if you had let nature take its own course. For Amy, this meant leaving the scene of the argument and taking refuge in her dressing room; for you, this could be taking a few deep breaths before responding to an email in all-caps, closing the door to your office, or (in extreme cases) retreating to the bathroom or your car. Wherever you go, whatever you do, give the sky a chance to clear before you continue.

Acknowledge that it's not your problem.

I immediately decided that this was not my problem, and the relief of that decision spread across my chest like hot cocoa. Too often we women try to tackle chaos that is not ours to fix.

Remember back at the beginning where I said this piece could be seen as geared toward women but had value for men as well? This is about to be the reason why. The feeling of needing to fix something that we couldn't have anticipated, or aren't responsible for, is a common feeling for anyone in a position where there is a power differential. Women can feel this way when working with men (the reverse can be true too, by the way!), younger staff can feel this way when working with older coworkers or supervisors, new employees can feel this way in the face of more experienced counterparts. Anyone and everyone can have that panicked moment of feeling as though there's something to be fixed. But if there really, truly isn't...if you didn't do anything wrong and the outcome could not have been altered by anything you did...then own that. Sit comfortably in it or stand tall in it, your choice. But own it.

Sit quietly.

Not talking can be hard for me. But I tried it.

This can be the hardest part. Making the decision from step 3 to acknowledge our lack of guilt is one thing; keeping yourself from qualifying it, backpedaling, or apologizing for it is entirely another. In fact, Amy acknowledges that she failed at this stage of the game, but only for a moment before resuming her silence. But there's a lot of power in sitting quietly and letting the other party consider their actions. Allow, as Amy and one of her favorite books, The Gift of Fear, say, the word "no" to me "the end of the discussion, and not the beginning of a negotiation."

Trust your "no".

This is going to sound a lot like step 3, and in a way the two are similar. But they can also be different. Trusting your "no" at the end of a negotiation or altercation like this means mot ruminating later about what you "could have, should have, would have" done differently. There are going to be moments in your career where someone tries to make you feel as though something is your fault, or as though it is your job to clean up their proverbial (or even literal!) mess. Again, if it truly is not, you're within your rights to respectfully but resolutely say so.

A note of caution, however: this strategy is not meant to keep you from exploring new things or to prevent you from stretching outside your comfort zone. Saying no to responsibility for something that isn't your fault, and saying no to opportunity because you're unsure of the outcome, are different. After all, people that do the latter are not Amy Poehler's type of people:

So let's peek behind the curtain and hail the others like us. The open-faced sandwiches who take risks and live big and smile with all their teeth. These are the people I want to be around.

So remember, when it comes to standing your ground in the face of the unjust: trust your no. But when it comes to stepping up in the face of the unknown? Say "yes please."

Why I Keep Deciding Grad School Isn’t For Me

Over and over again I find myself returning to the idea of continuing my education with a graduate degree. Over and over again I find myself deciding not to.

My undergraduate degree is a Bachelor of Science in Psychology with a minor in Human Development. Building a career in either of these fields requires more schooling. Why would I choose them as my area of study without committing myself to seeing it through?

I chose psychology because, for me, it has always been psychology that drew my interest. I had the privilege of holding a human brain during my AP Psychology class my senior year of high school and that pretty much sealed the deal; nothing else really compared to that experience. Human behavior is one of the most fascinating things I've ever encountered and quite frankly, I couldn’t see myself studying anything else.

Throughout my undergraduate career, I toyed with adding another major or minor, and even got my feet wet a few times. I considered finding another less-committal, more-marketable major. I took a few different classes, but nothing else could hold my attention like a psychology course. My favorite psychology course I ever took was Psychology of Organizational Processes. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to take it until my senior year, not that it mattered much anyway as it was the only Industrial/Organizational course offered at my institution. 

Upon graduation, I made the decision to take a six month break (which I highly recommend to everyone). After a hectic and less than enjoyable senior year, I desperately needed time to get back in touch with the part of me that wanted to learn for fun and that enjoyed the process rather than the part of me that sought to check the requirements off of my four-year plan. I needed to take time for myself to understand my values and to understand where I wanted to be career-wise five and ten years from now.

As you can imagine, this is where grad school comes into play. To make use of my psychology degree, whether as a school counselor or a social worker (my two preferred paths), I would need to attend grad school. I spent time over these next few months looking into programs both near and far, making phone calls, and gathering information. But in the end, instead of committing, I deferred.

I couldn’t see myself in sitting through more lectures or spending hours and hours in small groups discussing nuances of a particular subject. That kind of learning no long appeals to me. As it turns out, I’ve decided the world is my classroom.   

Following my six month break (which stretched until the end of 2012, mind you), I officially decided grad school wasn’t for me, at least not at this point in my life. So I started a business instead.

I founded an online magazine, GenTwenty in early 2013 and have been nurturing it ever since. When I first started out, I knew nothing. Not even the difference between WordPress.com and WordPress.org. There is still a lot I don’t know, but everyday is a new exciting learning experience where I can follow my specific passions, embrace my natural creativity, and do it all on my own terms at my own pace. And I'm lucky enough that other people believe in it too. 

Earlier this year, I applied to several MBA programs driven by the desire increase my business acumen. But as history tends to do, things repeated themselves. I read over curriculums, talked to MBA students, MBA grads, and seasoned business professionals. My instincts told me that while it won’t be an easy journey, the information and experiences I need and so desperately crave do not come with a tuition bill.

This isn't to say an MBA may not be the right path for you, simply, it's not the right path for me at this time. Instead, I have found the most helpful information and the most inspiration in podcasts, on blogs, and in interviews with entrepreneurs. Prologue Profiles is a recent favorite that I enjoy listening to.

I know I keep coming back to the idea of grad school because I have the desire to learn. School gives us structure and provides a safe place to do so with feedback mechanisms built in. The world is not so kind. The consequences of failing to adapt are much higher, there is no financial aid package to see you through, there is no four-year plan to guide you. You are on your own.

Whether or not you need a graduate degree is dependent on both your desired career path as well as what you plan to do. After all, there are plenty of successful entrepreneurs who have no degree at all. Just as entrepreneurship is not for everyone, grad school is also not for everyone, but that is up to you to decide.

I imagine that I will consider grad school again sometime in the next few seasons of my life. Luckily, my applications remain active for the next two years so I have some time to decide before I need to reapply (that's half the battle, anyway).

Know someone who is undecided about going back to graduate school? Share this article with them or your own thoughts about furthering your own education. 

The Lost Art of Connection: The Story of the Woman I Met on a Train

When I was younger I can remember my dad always telling us this story about a woman on a train. She was rude: snapping at people who tried to sit by her and making snide remarks under her breath. Everyone was appalled by her behavior. Later, the woman opened up and shared that she was on her way to see her mother, who was dying of a terminal illness. She was scared and hurting, and was taking it out on everyone around her. Moral of the story: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" Plato

That story comes sneaking back into my mind at the most opportune times. It reminds me to take a step back and practice loving kindness even when others don't seem to be doing the same. It reminds me of the importance of human interaction and connection.

Fast forward 20 years from when my dad first told me that story. I was waiting in the downtown Chicago Amtrak station for my train that was delayed. I was annoyed and I was exhausted from spending the last few days at a conference. I just wanted to get back home to my husband. An older woman sat down next to me on the hard, tile floor of the Amtrak station and starting talking my ear off about a fish fry that she was headed to the following day. I don' t like fish and I also don't like it when my travel plans don't go according to schedule. I could care less about the fish fry she was talking about endlessly.

I pretended to be super absorbed in the book I was reading and hoped she would take the hint. Nope. She kept talking. I then remembered the story that my dad told us when we were little, and how ignoring this woman was not going to change the fact that my train was delayed. I was letting something that was bothering me, effect how I was treating this stranger. I put down my book, smiled at her, and decided to engage in the conversation. After about 20 minutes of listening, I had learned a lot about this woman. Additionally, a pigeon had also made it's way into the train station so we were getting a good laugh watching it walk around and eating french fries off the ground - with no regard to that fact that it was indoors now. I was having fun and the time was going by much faster than if I would have continued to ignore her.

The following day when I was home and settled in for the weekend, I got a text message from the woman. We had exchanged contact information because she wanted to text me the name of the fish fry when she remembered it. A stranger, who had no reason to follow through with her promise to text me, did. And I must to admit, her text message made me smile.

I'll probably never see that woman again but for the two hours that we spent together on the cold floor of the Amtrak station, we were connected. How often do we pass by one another without stopping to engage? How often do we make assumptions about others without knowing what is really going on in their lives?

The next time I am tempted to shut someone out simply because I don't feel like making conversation, I'll think twice. That's what life is all about for me: connection. I don't want to miss any of it. And plus, now I have the name of a fish fry to go to in case I ever decide I'm in the mood for such an event.

3 Techniques to Help You Take Better Risks & Tackle New Situations

 

In a dusty corner of the Internet is a post from my angsty, teenage Tumblr that reads: “Life is SO full of possibilities. I think my greatest fear is regret.” Years later, this feeling still resonates. Regret might be one of the most unpleasant feelings life has to offer, so it’s worth noting that over the long-term, we’re much more likely to regret the things we didn’t do. Which leads us to my message: Don’t let your passions and interests become regrets. If there’s something you really want to try,go for it.

I know. This is a little easier said than done. Putting yourself out there and exposing yourself to failure can be daunting, so we’re here to help. When doubts and fears begin to crowd out your thoughts, you need ways to bring yourself back to reality and keep your eyes on the prize. The next time you’re facing a new situation or taking a big risk, try the following tips adopted from a great book called The Charisma Myth:

1. Destigmatize Discomfort

Risk makes us uncomfortable because we feel like we aren’t in control. One way to overcome this feeling is to remind yourself of how completely normal it is to feel discomfort in this situation. For example, think of someone you greatly admire, someone who has accomplished amazing things. Imagine them in a similar situation, feeling equally scared and uncomfortable. (They all really have felt like that, by the way.) Now, think of all the other people in the world who are probably feeling the same way at this exact moment. You aren’t crazy. You aren’t overreacting. You’re just human like everyone else, and you’re trying to wrap your head around a new situation.

2. Neutralize Negativity

In these situations, we’re often our own worst enemy. We see things from the worst possible angle, and before even giving ourselves a fair shot we convince ourselves that things are going poorly. Instead, realize that your thoughts and perceptions aren’t necessarily the objective truth. Try assigning a label to your feelings, like “self criticism” or “frustration.” Think about them through the lens of a scientist. Your negative thoughts may simply be your brain’s instinctive reaction to a high-stakes situation. Now, imagine that all of these thoughts in your mind are just noise from a radio. Slowly turn down the dial.

3. Re-write Reality

Let’s say something goes really wrong, whether it’s because you took a risk or because you didn’t. You’re here now, so what can you do about it? All it takes to turn a stressful situation into a positive one is a change in your perspective. You’ve probably heard something like this before, so how do you actually translate this into reality?

Let’s think through a real situation. Maybe you just received a negative performance review at work. Find a piece of paper and write down all the possible ways in which this situation could actually end up being good for you. Imagine how this might be the first step in a series of events that leads to a great ending. Maybe the performance review shines a light on a problem that you can now work through so you can become incredible at what you do. Or maybe you realize the way your company measures you simply doesn’t mesh with who you want to become.

By deciding to interpret bad situations as first steps in a story with a happy ending, not only will you see the light at the end of the tunnel but you’ll actually be equipped with the perspective to turn the situation around.

Now that you’re equipped to handle stressful situations, let us know how you cope with risk and doubt. If you try out these tips, share your experiences in the comments below!

"Live in the Grey is an online resource for individuals seeking a fulfilling career that blends personal passions with professional pursuits. Read more from Live in the Grey here."