See What Sticks: Reframe and Recommit

Hi everyone, Amma Marfo here. Two quick things about me that you’ll need to know before we begin:(1) I am a reader. I am a library-loving, constant tome-carrying, unapologetic bibliophile. (2) If there’s anyone you will meet who can connect what she’s reading to the world around her, it’s me. As such, I want to dedicate my time in this space to sharing with you what I’m reading, and how it could inform a budding professional’s daily life.

I've got a fresh lesson for you all, one that I'm still living parts of...and what better time to share?

Lionel Shriver's We Need to Talk About Kevin is a captivating account (and I do mean that, as I started it on a free Sunday and didn't get up until I finished) of a mother's struggle to come to terms with her son's part in a school shooting and time in prison. This seems like an odd place from which to draw inspiration, but there was one lesson that stuck with me early in the book, and nagged away at me as I continued to read. I'm of the belief that those are the tidbits that are most worthy of our attention, so I came back to it and seriously considered why.

We Need to Talk About Kevin covers the span of mother Eva Khatchadourian's life that precedes children- through her marriage to her husband Franklin, their decision to have children, her pregnancy, and all through Kevin's life. It includes a key point when Kevin is about four years old, and is proving to be a difficult child. Up until this point, Eva feels that she has been distant from her son, that he simply doesn't like her. But she also recognizes that to this point, she was only partially committed to the role of parent. After escaping from a conflicted existence under the guise of a work trip, Eva vows to change her mindset, and hopefully her relationship with her son:

That sweaty, protracted delay allowed me to contemplate that so far my commitment to motherhood had been toe-in-the-water. In a funny way, I resolved. I had to remake that arduous decision of 1982 and jump into parenthood with both feet. I had to get pregnant with Kevin all over again. Like his birth, raising our son could be a transporting experience, but only if I stopped fighting it. As I was at pains to teach Kevin for years thereafter (to little effect), rarely is the object of your attention innately dull or compelling. Nothing is interesting if you are not interested. In vain, I had been waiting for Kevin to prove out, to demonstrate as I stood arms folded that he was worthy of my ardor [...] Flying into Kennedy, I was bursting with determination, ardor, and goodwill.

In the interest of greater disclosure, I have been at this point in a few different capacities over the past several months. Paths that I was hoping to travel down (like graduate school or new professional opportunities) haven't panned out as I had hoped, and I have had to recommit myself to current pursuits. Eva's call to reframe the current state of affairs as interesting has been important, and her call to stop fighting it has been even more important. I had the opportunity to hear Jason Segel (How I Met Your Mother, The Muppets) speak a few months ago, and he made a similar statement: "Most of our stress and anxiety comes from resisting the current state of things. You're fine." 

We all have moments where we want something different. The belief that we deserve better. The expectation that we should be somewhere else, doing something else. But what do you do if that's just where you are? Lots of literature on creativity and inspiration would have you quit. And yes, that's an option. However, for any number of reasons, that's not realistic for everyone. What to do then?

Take stock of the current situation. This inventory should go both ways, by the way. The brain is conditioned to hold on to the negative, disappointing, scary parts of situations tenfold over the good things. As such, you'll need to take your time with this. I like to do this on paper, I feel more ownership over what I write that way. What frustrates you? What saddens you? What do you wish would change? Capture those things. What gets you through it? What parts do you like? Who surrounds you that helps you get through it all? Capture those things too. Both sides need to be represented. Don't be afraid to be real here- it's your life, you should consider it all.

Focus on the challenges- then break them down. I am giving you permission, for the duration of this process, focus on the bad. But I'm doing so for a reason. Of the things you wrote down that frustrate you, sadden you, need a change: break those down into two further categories- control and can't control. Of the things that are cluttering your mind, how many of them can you realistically change? Not easily, mind you- some of these may require difficult conversations with parents, bosses, significant others, coworkers, or other stakeholders in your happiness- but could change based upon action of some sort? Separate those concerns from those that are truly external, and outside of your control.

Create a plan to take action on those you can control. I don't recommend doing this all at once- grand sweeping change on multiple fronts at one time is difficult to sustain. But take action on one piece every week, two weeks, or month, with the goal of making things more palatable. As you continue to take action on these steps, you'll start to feel better- not just because things are improving, but because you're involved in making them improve. Agency does wonders for sanity!

Find a reframe for the ones you can't control. This one is a lot harder.

If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like it, change your attitude." - Maya Angelou

(A quick note about the quote above: there is a version of this excerpt that goes on to say "Don't complain." To a point, I agree with that. Complaining, used as a solution, isn't helpful. It is the appearance of taking action, when it's actually verbalizing inaction. I appreciate a complaint in two instances: (1) when it comes from a person as a way of saying "Please help me through this," and (2) when it is coupled with a potential solution. Complaining is not inherently bad. Complaining without intent to solve the problem, I have a harder time endorsing.)

Some parts of our lives aren't going to be great, and we aren't going to be able to change them. If there are elements of your current situation that fall into that quadrant, it's best to find a reframe for them. I'll use a personal example- I applied to several graduate programs this year, and didn't get into any of them. It's a setback, because I had the mindset to go back to school, and was ready to commit myself full-tilt to that lifestyle. But there is silver lining: I had been saving money each month to hopefully go toward school, that I am now able to commit to other things- different types of classes, charities that I don't always feel able to donate to, new shoes or jewelry I don't need...

The reframe itself isn't important, so much as the developed skill of finding the good in a seemingly irredeemable situation. Being able to do this on a regular basis builds resilience, something that quitting and walking away wouldn't necessarily give you.

Should you choose to read We Need to Talk About Kevin, you'll see what comes of Eva's decision to recommit to parenting her son- both the good and the bad. But regardless of the outcome, there is something admirable about taking control of circumstances and talking ourselves back into the things that challenge us, but we must accept. What parts of this strategy will you take with you to cope with difficulty?

Starting Your Own Business Is No Joke: 3 Lessons for Anyone Taking a Leap of Faith

April marks six months since I left my full time job at Rutgers University, moved to Washington, DC, and launched my business full time. Let me correct myself, businesses. Today, as I sit here on April 1st writing this post, I am sharing this on my first day from my new office space at WeWork in the middle of DC. Ever since I went all in and to be an entrepreneur, I’ve been tip toeing the line of living the life of a digital storyteller (social media strategy & content creator) and the other, as the founder of The Niche Movement, a community to help young professionals find their passion while applying unconventional career search practices in the real world.

Since I took a leap of faith, even though the two businesses on paper were two different offsprings of my work over the last eight years, they have actually started to blend together in a weird but serendipitous kind of way. For example, from cold emailing conferences in DC last November, I landed the amazing opportunity to photograph for VentureWell, an ed tech conference full of like-minded higher ed colleagues and students who see things differently. As I photographed this conference over the four days, I personally met individuals that have created co-working spaces on their campuses all the way to Aneesh Chopra, Obama’s former CTO. Along with other work I have completed since October 2014, it’s moments like this that I know all of this will lead to something bigger and to have patience and most importantly, trust the process.

As I am weeks away from finishing my book, funded on Kickstarter last summer, I can say that the last six months has been the most rewarding but challenging months. However, each subsequent month has provided a lot of clarity and created a vision in how I can bridge the two businesses together. More on that to come later this spring.

I’ll admit, this is the first post I have written in 2015 partly because I have been head-down focused on bringing on clients and creating strategies and content for them. Next, I spent the end of 2014 interviewing inspirational people for the book including Nancy Lyons, founder of ClockWork and featured on NBC Nightly News in November 2014. Finally, it has been difficult to find any energy at the end of the day to write for a few minutes in order to thread the book together.

The good news though, I have loved every minute of it and have worked with some amazing people along the way.

The three pieces of advice I want to share with you whether you are starting your own business, in the middle of your career, or looking for a job you love is the following:

1. Take a deep breath and hold on tight - Finding a job you love or starting your own business is a long, bumpy, and untraveled path. If you are looking for instant gratification or a quick solution, you are headed down the wrong path. With the right amount of planning, guts, and trusting that everything will “be ok”, it’s best to view this journey as a marathon and not a sprint.
2. Put yourself out there - If you have something you want to share/promote or a service (big or small) to help others, you have to let people know. But don’t forget, have tact and be genuine with a touch of creativeness. I have found by just introducing yourself (digitally or in-person) and then leaving with “If I can help, please let me know” or “How can I help you?” goes a long way. Also, don’t forget the follow-up. Most of the people interviewed for the book and many of the projects I have worked on came from the simple follow-up both over the phone and through email.
3. Care about the people first, work second -  When you're starting out in a new job, career, or launching a new business it is so easy to get wrapped up in administrative tasks, finances, personnel, next-steps, etc. If you can find even just the smallest sliver of what you love about your job combined with 100% genuine effort, your reputation will sky rocket.

Do the work.

Ask questions.

And add more value than asked of you (within reason - don’t be taken advantage of).

One of my clients earlier this year was strapped with a deadbeat developer (which I have very little experience with), however, I made several contacts in NYC and DC and also knew of 5 resources they could check out. Without hesitation I got on the phone and helped them out. It had nothing to do with social media but I knew I could help.

There are a lot of people to thank over the last six months, including every one of you reading this and following me along on this journey.

I also appreciate every single person I wrote about in my blogging journey over the summer for their continued support.

In addition to my wife Courtney, my parents, and close friends, I really want to thank the following businesses and clients for choosing to work with me, seeing the value I can add, and sometimes giving me a chance.

CircusTalk

Equalman Studios

Lenore Horton & Ketnoi Group

GWU Business School, Lemonade Day DC students, David Ruda & Alex Boessetta

ACPA

Lost Rhino Brewery

VentureWell

Relay Rides

The Choice is Yours

Right now recent graduates have a choice: take a job in the United States that is "good for their career" with a stable job and good pay OR move abroad and take a position with inherent risk that won't be relevant for your career.

I remember when I graduated, my friend's dad said to me "I know someone who taught English who came back and can't find a job". That's the common perception; If you go abroad, you won't be able to get a job when you get back. You won't be able to find something and you will be stranded. People will look at you like you aren't serious about your career.

This couldn't be further from the truth...

This is a big reason why I started BrainGain. I personally believe that going abroad is BETTER for your career than staying in the states. It will open your world up to a wealth of opportunities that you simply never knew about. It enables you to adapt to a new way of living, think on your feet, and be independent. Most importantly, it also allows you to remove yourself from the people who you grew up around, which enables you to pursue YOUR interests, rather than what your friends and family have pressured you into thinking that you were interested in.

I get on calls every day and talk to people about co-working spaces, hackathons, impact investing, and many many more…most students have no idea that these fields even exist….I know I didn't when I came out of school. If I never traveled and moved to India I wouldn't have ever learned about these things.

Could I have learned about these things while living in the US? Absolutely. But the EXPOSURE to these fields while it was directly relevant in my life is what made it so powerful. I want to share that exposure with other people, and put them in environments where they can immerse themselves in a world that has always existed, but they never knew about.

Someone emailed me today and said:

"I have been looking forward to joining the entrepreneurial community out in San Francisco after I graduate (as a salesman or marketer for a small to midsize biotech company), but an opportunity to work abroad would be a life changing experience!

Your program seems to be the best of both worlds, and I would be thrilled to get a chance to hear some more about it."

This statement, in a nutshell, is what we are working to do; give you the best of both worlds.

We are eliminating the choice. We are making it so that you don't have to choose between your career and travel - you can do both at the same time. You can have your cake and eat it too. Get career relevant experience in a foreign country and push your career to a new level that wouldn't be possible had you not traveled.

And the positions you are "giving up" in the states? They will always be there for you.

We often look at one year abroad as this enormous life altering decision, where we are leaving behind everything we have built up for ourselves over the last 20 some odd years...but thats not the case.  In reality that will always be there for you. The same job that you could have gotten in the states will still be available one year later. Your friends, family, everything will stay exactly how it was...but you wont.

One year later you will come back from traveling and working abroad and it will seem as if the world has been flipped on it's head. You will look at life in an entirely new light, and where you want to take your life will forever have a new meaning. You will have opened up doors that will remain open for the rest of your life.

The choice is yours….

The Fake Smile Expert: Depressed & Working in Customer Service

When you're going through depression, pretending to be chipper and enthusiastic feels about as uncomfortable as squeezing into jeans that are four sizes too small. Yet, that's exactly what you're required to do when you're depressed and working in customer service. If you have ever worked in customer service before, you know that most of what your job entails is a big smile, the ability to build rapport with your customers, and the capacity to have a genuine interest in how a stranger's day is going. When you're struggling with depression and you can barely summon interest in your actual hobbies, how are you supposed to feign excitement about a stranger's weekend plans?

From experience, I can tell you what helps and what doesn't.

First, what doesn't help: ignoring that you have a problem. Depression is an illness just like any other and it ought to be treated as such. If you are forcing a happy-go-lucky mood and trying to "fake it 'til you make it", that's about as healthy as a person with cancer deciding that since they can't actually see the cancerous cells, the cells basically don't exist. Telling yourself this lie only exacerbates the problem by wasting precious time that could be spent trying different forms of treatment. I knew I had a problem long before I did anything to solve it, which means I felt horrible for longer than I needed to.

Instead of ignoring your feelings, the first step you should take is to see your doctor. They will help you find the treatment that works best for you, which could come in the form of a little blue pill, regular therapy sessions, or even getting more sleep. It might take awhile for you to feel better, but you will eventually find the magic combination that makes you you again. For me, it's a a mix of medication, regular exercise, and getting outside as much as possible.

Along with seeing a professional, you need to get some face time with someone at your workplace who you are comfortable sharing this information with. It could be your boss or even a person in human resources. They need to know about the health issues you are having (again, just as a cancer patient would let their employer know about their illness). Your employer will appreciate you confiding in them and should support you in getting help. When I talked with my boss about my depression, her first response was to tell me that my health comes before work and that she supports whatever I need to do. She understands that I need to feel 100% to bring 100% effort to my job every day. If your employer doesn't understand this, then it might be time to update your resume and move on to a place that will.

When it comes to interacting with customers, the one method that helps me get through the tough days is to remember that the customer in front of me does not know what I'm going through. They have no way of knowing how difficult it is for me to muster the obligatory small talk, so I have to be patient and kind when they expect me to chat about the weather. How I feel is not their fault, so they deserve my best effort at small talk. Even the unkind customers deserve respect, because I understand that they might have something going on in their lives that is causing them to act out. Use your illness as a reminder that everyone is dealing with their own issues and that a little empathy can go a long way.

Even more important than being patient and kind with customers, in my opinion, is to be patient and kind to yourself. If, after cycling through all the treatment options and talking with your employer, you still aren't feeling up to par when it's time to clock in and greet the first customer of the day, then it's possible that your job is not a good fit for you. There is nothing wrong with deciding it's time for a change and looking for something else. Your health is more important than what you do from nine to five.

If you are struggling with depression and have not gotten up the courage to make an appointment with your doctor or discuss it with your employer, I urge you to do it today. You deserve to feel better, first for yourself, second for your friends and family, and lastly, for your career.

Why You Should Consider Working Abroad After Graduation

Guest post: My name is Troy Erstling, founder of BrainGain. Throughout my life I’ve visited over 20 countries and I’ve lived in Buenos Aires, Argentina, Seoul South Korea, and now Bangalore, India. These last five years of traveling have changed my life in countless ways, and I can confidently say that seeking out international opportunities has enabled me to carve out a unique path in life. I believe that traveling is the greatest form of education, and it is my passion to help others do the same. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to live and work abroad. The idea of traveling the world and getting paid to do it has always appealed to me and making a career out of it seemed even more appealing. After graduating from high school in Manalapan, NJ I moved across the country to The University of Arizona in Tucson to obtain a degree in International Studies.

My junior year of college I had the opportunity to study abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina. It was my first time out of the country and it was a reckless adventure filled with steak, yerba mate tea, wine, paragliding, a pathetic attempt to learn Spanish, and some of the greatest nightlife on earth. I made lifelong friends that I travel with to this day. It was the greatest study abroad experience I could've ever asked for.

During my time there a friend told me about Teaching English as a Foreign Language. Turns out, if you are looking to get international experience and work abroad, this is usually the best way to get your foot in the door. I was sold.

After graduating from University I made it my sole mission to get a teaching job abroad. I stayed in Tucson for an extra 2 months to get my TEFL certification and I began researching the best destinations to teach English.

I eventually came across South Korea; paid round trip airfare, housing, medical insurance, attractive salary, and $2000 severance pay. Compared to the other options it was a no-brainer. I searched for jobs on websites like Dave’s ESL café, and within a few short months and a long visa process, I had my job and a one-way ticket to Seoul.

I spent the next year in Seoul, South Korea teaching English to 7-year-old kindergarten students. It was amazing. I got paid to act like a child all day and teach my kids about Michael Jackson and The Beatles. I was able to save around $10,000USD (roughly about $1000/month in savings), and had three amazing trips to Thailand, Taiwan, and the Philippines for my vacations. It was an unforgettable experience, but I knew I didn't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life...

Around the time my contract in Korea was winding up, I reached out to a friend of mine whom I met while studying in Argentina. He had also been teaching English, but in Spain instead. Turns out, he was no longer in Spain and had been living in India for the past ten months on a fellowship in Social Enterprise.

I looked up the fellowship and it seemed like a great way to transition my career while continuing my pursuit of creating a career abroad. It was a win-win. There were 20 days left to apply, so I submit my application and hoped for the best.

At that point my options were to take the fellowship, and if I didn’t get in go backpack the world. Win-win, but one seemed better for the overall career.

I was accepted to the fellowship and placed in Bangalore, India. My friend from Argentina also successfully applied for the position of Field Coordinator and was placed in Bangalore as well!

For the next year I lived in Bangalore, India studying entrepreneurial ecosystems in Southeast Asia with The National Entrpreneurship Network and worked for one of India's most promising startups, Zoomcar.

Throughout that time I had a lot of people reaching out to me about working abroad. I had friends from the US reaching out to me saying, “I’m 3-4 years out of school, I still do 200 cold calls a day, my job doesn’t give me responsibility, I would love to work abroad…what are my options?” Then I also had friends from South Korea who would say to me “I want to continue working abroad but I don’t want to teach English anymore…what are my options?”

One day it dawned on me that if you want to work abroad after graduation, your options are limited to teaching English and volunteer work. Trustworthy career relevant opportunities are few and far between. But here I was, living and working abroad with one of India’s most promising startups. I felt that other people would want something similar.

With that in mind I quit my job and made helping people find jobs abroad my full time job. I approached startups and social enterprises in Bangalore asking, “Would you be interested in hiring talent from abroad?”, “What positions are you currently having a hard time hiring for that you feel someone from abroad might be able to fill?”, “What are you willing to pay these candidates?”, etc.

Six months later I started my first company, BrainGain. I have lined up 15 companies in Bangalore, India that are looking to hire everything from sales and marketing, to design, to tech. Early stage startups that are Seed or Series A funded and are willing to provide fresh graduates with more responsibility than they are able to handle.

It is my first serious entrepreneurial plunge and I couldn’t be more excited to do it. There is nothing in life that I am more passionate about, and nothing that excites me more than to help others find ways of exploring an international career. When I get on a phone call with someone and tell him or her about the ways that they can live and work abroad I feel like I drank a double espresso. It’s invigorating!

As I write this I am on a train to Boston to speak at Harvard University. To think that 5 years after my travels have began I would be back in the states speaking at universities inspiring students to travel and work abroad absolutely blows my mind. I couldn’t be happier with where my life has come throughout that time.

This is a field I foresee myself spending the rest of my career. It is something that I will dedicate myself to for years to come, and I couldn’t be more excited to watch my life unfold in this sector. It is my niche.

Guest post by Troy Erstling @troyerstling