The Lost Art of Connection: The Story of the Woman I Met on a Train

When I was younger I can remember my dad always telling us this story about a woman on a train. She was rude: snapping at people who tried to sit by her and making snide remarks under her breath. Everyone was appalled by her behavior. Later, the woman opened up and shared that she was on her way to see her mother, who was dying of a terminal illness. She was scared and hurting, and was taking it out on everyone around her. Moral of the story: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" Plato

That story comes sneaking back into my mind at the most opportune times. It reminds me to take a step back and practice loving kindness even when others don't seem to be doing the same. It reminds me of the importance of human interaction and connection.

Fast forward 20 years from when my dad first told me that story. I was waiting in the downtown Chicago Amtrak station for my train that was delayed. I was annoyed and I was exhausted from spending the last few days at a conference. I just wanted to get back home to my husband. An older woman sat down next to me on the hard, tile floor of the Amtrak station and starting talking my ear off about a fish fry that she was headed to the following day. I don' t like fish and I also don't like it when my travel plans don't go according to schedule. I could care less about the fish fry she was talking about endlessly.

I pretended to be super absorbed in the book I was reading and hoped she would take the hint. Nope. She kept talking. I then remembered the story that my dad told us when we were little, and how ignoring this woman was not going to change the fact that my train was delayed. I was letting something that was bothering me, effect how I was treating this stranger. I put down my book, smiled at her, and decided to engage in the conversation. After about 20 minutes of listening, I had learned a lot about this woman. Additionally, a pigeon had also made it's way into the train station so we were getting a good laugh watching it walk around and eating french fries off the ground - with no regard to that fact that it was indoors now. I was having fun and the time was going by much faster than if I would have continued to ignore her.

The following day when I was home and settled in for the weekend, I got a text message from the woman. We had exchanged contact information because she wanted to text me the name of the fish fry when she remembered it. A stranger, who had no reason to follow through with her promise to text me, did. And I must to admit, her text message made me smile.

I'll probably never see that woman again but for the two hours that we spent together on the cold floor of the Amtrak station, we were connected. How often do we pass by one another without stopping to engage? How often do we make assumptions about others without knowing what is really going on in their lives?

The next time I am tempted to shut someone out simply because I don't feel like making conversation, I'll think twice. That's what life is all about for me: connection. I don't want to miss any of it. And plus, now I have the name of a fish fry to go to in case I ever decide I'm in the mood for such an event.

Giving Yourself Credit Where Credit is Due

I have become an expert at down-playing compliments whenever they are given to me.  I act like with all of my achievements as if they were just "things that came really easily to me" (even when I worked my butt off).  I'm a frequent user of phrases such as: "Oh, it was no big deal" or "Anyone can do it". I guess I always thought and was taught that, people like people who are modest and humble.  And I like being liked.  Boasting about your accomplishments is obnoxious and selfish.  Self-promotion is embarrassing and pushes people away.  Accepting a compliment when a compliment is given to you is just plain self righteous.  Ew.

But then...

I had an enlightening conversation with a friend the other day over lunch about how often we down play our accomplishments.

(It was eye-opening to realize that I was not the only one who did this, and even more eye-opening when I realized what a habit it had become.  And it was detrimental.)  

Many of us do this.  Is it because I'm a young professional?  A woman?  A human?  Because being boastful is an unattractive quality?  I do not have an answer as to why, but what I do know is that I must stop falling into the habit of responding to every compliment with, "It wasn't really that big of a deal" or "Anyone can do it" and start responding with a simple, "Thank you".

Why is it so hard?  Thanking someone for their compliment, for noticing your hard work, is something that you owe yourself. What is your self-talk like if you cannot accept someones kind words?  Negative.  

Saying thank you for a job-well-done is the least you can do to treat yourself with the love and respect that you deserve.

Giving yourself credit where credit is due is part of chasing your dreams. If we cannot sell ourselves well, how will we ever get where we want to be?  This means even past the interview.  (Even I can put on my "I'm awesome-face" and rock an interview.  But after the interview?  I'm back to disregarding compliments and stop believing in the awesomeness that I sold them on.)  I'm working on this personally and I challenge you to do the same.  Notice your reaction the next time someone pats you on the back for a job well done.  Allow yourself to feel proud.  You are awesome.  Stand tall, and say "thank you".

Now, by no means am I saying that you should scare away all of your friends by shouting from the rooftops about how wonderful you are.

But learning to accept a compliment when someone tells you that they appreciated your hard work, is good for not only your relationship with that person, but even more so, your relationship with yourself.

Your very, awesome, self.

A Paint Brush And Work Gloves Helped Me Find My Niche

I am no expert, but I am a young professional, and I found my niche! My niche is my passions, my happiness and how I turned my interests in volunteering and philanthropy into a career. Currently, I am the Foundation Associate for The Provident Bank Foundation. Getting to this place in my career has had ups and downs, but every day I walk into my office I know I am where I need to be. I have always enjoyed being that sounding board to family and friends, giving advice when I could or just an ear to listen to. I liked helping people, making a difference whenever I could. This is a part of me that has been in my blood for as long as I can remember and a quality I think I’ll never lose.

My adventure into the non-profit sector and corporate foundation:

My journey to get where I am today took hard work, mentors and influencers and self-motivation. I wanted to give up so many times and take the easy way out but through networking, talking to the right people and pushing myself, I was able to get through the tough challenges life through at me. My network started small with personal connections, such as my parents and some teachers and tutors who truly believed in me. They all gave me the push to step outside of my comfort zone and get my hands dirty. Spring semester of my sophomore year at Fairleigh Dickinson University, I got onto a plane with a few dozen other college students from across the country and landed in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Spending a week in the gulf coast and seeing the devastation made by Hurricane Katrina changed my life. I was in disbelief on how Mother Nature can be so beautiful but can take everything away in seconds. I returned from my first Alternative Spring Break with the determination to graduate with a degree and experience I can use for my future. I jumped on any opportunity to volunteer or take on an internship at a local non-profit. I graduated with a Bachelor in Communication Studies and ready to take on the world.

My next adventure didn’t happen the way I had imagination and I ran into a few forks in the road, but ultimately it was those forks that got me to where I am. As motivated and determined as I was to find my perfect job at 21 years old it did not work that way. I started working part-time at local public relations firms focused on women’s health. I was overall happy I had some type of job after I graduated but it wasn’t what kept me motivated. I still kept my head high as much as I could, continued to connect with those in my network of mentors and kept on looking for the job that got me excited. I decided to apply to grad school and hope it would open more opportunities for me. Luck was on my side; during my time studying for the GRE’s a door did eventually open. For the next two and a half years, while going to grad school Rutgers University School of Public Affairs and Administration I worked at a few different New Jersey based non-profits. It was during my first semester at Rutgers I went to a networking event where I had the opportunity to listen to Nancy Lublin, CEO of Dosomething.org and Founder of Dress for Success and Adam Braun, Founder of Pencils of Promise. Both of their stories are very different but they found their niche and impacted the world in ways unimaginable. I was drawn into their stories and influenced by their words. It was after the event I went back to my everyday life and knew I was heading in the right direction and maybe one day I am able to share my story on how I changed the world.

This networking event was just the beginning for me; I was like a sponge, taking in all the knowledge and advice from anyone I spoke to in the non-profit sector. I made sure I had the skills, commitment and expertise in this field to be as professional as possible. I aspire to do something great every day, not because I need to or it’s the “right thing to do”. It was a choice that became a passion that turned into my day-to-day.

Corporate..not a negative word!

I never really put two and two together on corporate philanthropy or corporate foundations. I only saw and thought “the corporate world”, this negative working world and said to myself I do not want to be a part of that. However, I was at this point in my life that I felt I can use my skill sets for better use, I needed new challenges and overall wanted to make my way up the ladder in my career. I again, stepped out of my comfort zone, broadened my job search and came across The Provident Bank Foundation. The job description and responsibilities sounded exciting, challenging and rewarding, I was hooked and knew this was the job for me. Working for the Foundation has been not only awe-inspiring, but working for a financial institution that is so committed to the community is encouraging and motivating and makes my day-to-day work worthy.

I found my niche in philanthropy and the non-profit sector but I am still a young professional and still have new knowledge to gain, skill-sets to learn and dreams to make come true. I still volunteer when I can, network at every opportunity that comes my way and try to influence other young professionals and the younger generations to find their happiness and their niche. My goals are to someday make that life changing difference, but for now I can just share my story, advocate my passions and help others throughout the community.

Over the past year working at The Provident Bank Foundation has been an amazing eye opener to how a foundation can make an impact to the community. Every day brings about new stories, new challenges and successes. My niche is my adventure in the non-profit sector and I could not be any happier.

Your homework:

I leave you with a task- volunteer! It does not matter if you are able to commit to once a month, once a week or only a few times a year. As young professionals, volunteering gives you so many opportunities to network. You not only make a difference in your community but you meet a variety of people, from different walks of life and you never know who or what their connections are. I welcome you to reach out to me and happy to network with you.

How To Get A (Strong) Recommendation on Linkedin

A few weeks back, I received a request from a former employee asking for a Linkedin in recommendation. Read the note below and I’ll share why this wasn’t the best approach and 3 tips on how to get a strong detailed recommendation.

This person was right about one thing, future employers will be looking at his LinkedIn page and recommendations will definitely help. In fact, 89% of all recruiters report having hired someone through LinkedIn. That being said, the approach this person used to obtain the recommendation lacked effort and intentionality. This was coming from a former employee whom I hadn’t spoken to in years and when they did work for me they were part of a much bigger team where I did not have the opportunity to directly supervise them. There wasn’t much of a connection to begin with, and so a note a few years later randomly asking for a recommendation was not motivating at all.

No matter if you needed recommendations for school or for a job, we all know how important a powerful recommendation can be for your future. That phrase, “it’s not what you know, but who you know” is far too common in today’s workforce. It’s important now, more than ever, in a time of limitless social connection, to use the tools (online and face-to-face) available to you to build your network before you need it.

A majority of employers still require you to provide a list references at some stage in the hiring cycle. Many times, as early as when you hit the “apply” button. When it comes to building your reference list or asking for a recommendation, consider these questions first and foremost.

• Who are the 5 most recent connections (former supervisors, colleagues, employees) that can speak to my strengths as an employee and my work ethic?

• When was the last time I spoke to them about my desired career path, and do they know I am currently applying to jobs?

• Is there anything I can do to help make their life easier when it comes to serving as my reference?  (ie. send them your resume, hop on a call to discuss the job, etc)

Often times, college students and young professionals ask for a recommendation from someone that did not directly supervise them and those individuals are unable to cite detailed examples of their work ethic.

If you have a reference in mind and believe they can speak strongly about your work ethic and skills, and you have prepared them with materials or information about the job, then you’re ready for the next step. Now you are fully prepared to ask for that recommendation, and here is how to do it.

1. Do the work

As I mentioned above, prepare some materials for your recommender. Make sure they have information about the job you are applying for and an updated resume. You might want to also jog their memory of a few key projects you worked on with them that can be referenced in the recommendation. Don’t be too pushy, you’ll need to find a balance between providing adequate information and not writing the recommendation for them. The best way to avoid a mishap here is by simply putting yourself in their shoes.

2. Stay in Touch

In 2014, there is no longer an excuse for not staying in touch. Avoid asking for a recommendation from someone who you haven’t (at least loosely) kept in touch with in over a year. Most likely they will not remember the specifics of what made you a great employee or colleague, and they will be unsure of your career path and recent accomplishments. Essentially they won’t be able to speak to what makes you the best candidate for the job. The chances of getting loose connections, those you haven’t spoken to in over a year, to give you a recommendation at all is slim….let alone getting a strong recommendation.

3.   Post it Forward

Find your current supervisors, colleagues, and employees on LinkedIn and start writing a genuine recommendations for them. The more timely the better. Especially, after completing a big project, initiating a new venture, or a hitting a major goal for the organization.

The recommendation below was written by a current student that works for my social media team at Rutgers and will be a senior this year.

She is building her network before she needs it, keeping in touch with them, and providing real-time recommendations. In turn, she has immediately landed herself a handful of detailed and powerful recommendations from not only myself but from other well-connected professionals.

The job you love is out there for the taking, but lackluster recommendations are not going to get you there. ‘You get what you put into it’ is a concept that applies to the job search just as much as it does to any other experiences in life.

The Niche Movement is an organization founded on the principle to end employment unhappiness, and this is one of wide range of topics and ideas we share with young people to help them find the career path they will love. If you found this article helpful, you can support The Niche Movement and our ability to continue to do this work, by checking out our Kickstarter campaign. Donating to the campaign will score you our first book that will be chock full of tips and stories just like the ones featured in this article.

Adventure Awaits: Leaving Your Hometown Circle

Your hometown circle could be keeping your options limited in terms of careers. If you’re willing and have the opportunity, however, going a little further might be an option to consider. A week after graduating, I packed up my car and drove for 14 hours away from home for a summer internship. I’ve been to other parts of the country for vacations but that’s about it.  My family lived in the same town for generations, and I went to a college 15 minutes away.  On top of that my mother worked there, so basically, everything I ever needed was in (or around) my hometown. At least I thought that.

Some people after graduating from an in-state school want to find a job in their hometown or somewhere around the area.  They make calculations on how far they would drive when applying for jobs and internships.  I understand there are obligations and reasons behind why staying put is the perfect option for you, however, if you have the opportunity, a sense of adventure, and a game plan, then it’s time to go.

Here are a few reasons to consider flying around the country:

Better Networking:

The hometown circle includes your friends and family and basically everyone you went to high school/college with.  Seeing familiar faces around town, even if you don’t talk to them, is a comfort whether you realize it or not.  Leaving that comfort is hard, but a great opportunity to learn how to network all over again.  Once you find yourself somewhere where everyone is a stranger, you can’t lean on acquaintances anymore. Having a network that spans the country can’t hurt either. (I totally have that!)

You Have Time For It:

Advisors and faculty that I became close with in college always told me, “This is the only time in your life you will ever be able to do this.” They were, of course, talking about traveling. It might not be your only time, necessarily, but early on in the job search certainly is a great time!  If you don’t have a full time job yet, or are looking for that first job, why not experience it somewhere else while you can. Travel cross-country on a bus, find a sublet for the summer and have an internship in a state you didn’t expect. (Hint:  some internship programs provide housing, you just have to look!)

Your Friends Are Doing It:

Peer pressure is bad right? Well thinking in terms of getting older, graduating, internship hunting….in all reality, your friends might not be staying close to home either.  In my close knit group of friends who graduated, myself and one other traveled more than 2 states away for an internship and a full time job, both to culturally different areas than what we were accustomed to.  Another has a yearly rotational job which sends him to a different area every year, one has been working in a big city, and one who is moving to Madrid for a year! Adventure:  we have found it.

After this internship is over, I am yet again traveling another couple of states away from my home town (this time in the opposite direction) for graduate school.  All of this moving around has made me more aware of how things work in different parts of the country (maybe one day I’ll be able to say the world?) and along with that, a better candidate for jobs that may come in the future. I didn't know I needed this experience before I got here and I'm so glad I took a risk.

For some people, a hometown job within your “circle” may be perfect. I know for me it would be.  Your first job might not be in your perfect location, but your definition of perfect can change.  Who knows, you might even find your new hometown.

And whether it be for work, family, friends, or just to visit if you’ve left for good, you can always go back home.